The Girl with the Hotdog Tattoo

One glance

From the girl with the hotdog tattoo

And I get

Shy

 Shy

  Shy

--Angstrom Heineken

Gotta Watch My Programs

Photo Copyright:© 2008 Christopher Crawford

The picture wouldn't come in, no matter what I did.

I turned the rabbit ears, extended the antenna, nothing. Just snow.

Tried several stations, none of the channels worked.

I went out on the front porch and yelled to the construction workers who were patching the black top in the street. Heyyy my channels aren't working! Hey hey! One of them walked over and asked me what the hell I was yelling about. He had blue eyes and a dirty hat.

My channels won't work, I said. I need to watch my programs. What do I do?

He looked at me like I was speaking Japanese.

What do I do? I said.

Well, he said, scratching his head. You need a special antenna. Analog doesn't work any more, you need a converter.

Converter?

Yeah, tv went digital awhile back. Where have you been? He kind of chuckled and rejoined his construction friends.

Thanks, I called to him. He turned around and gave me a thumbs up.

Not sure why he was shaking his head. I went back inside.

Converter. Hmm. Well, it's only science and electronics, I can make one, yessirree.

I went into the kitchen and got the tinfoil, brought it back to the living room. I tore of a piece and put it on the rabbit ears. No, that wouldn't do.

I wrapped the tv like a Christmas gift, and cut out holes for the screen and knobs.

Was that a glimmer? Hmm.

I went back to the kitchen and got the scotch tape. I papered the wall behind the tv with the tinfoil, careful not to wrinkle it, shiny side out. Then I took another piece and taped it to the tv and made a little bridge, and taped the other end to the wall.

Michael Landon! There he is. Hmm.

I put the tinfoil all over the walls of my living room, shiny side out, no wrinkles.

Chuck Woolery! I should try another channel.

Peter, Jan and Bobby! Whoa. Hmm.

I noticed I was out of tinfoil, so I quickly got my bike and went to the dollar store with my backpack and bought all they had, seventeen rolls. I brought it home.

I covered the bathroom (with a hole over the toilet bowl, and over the sink of course, I'm not a pig) as well as the kitchen, my bedroom door, and part of the upstairs stairway.

All my children!

Evening had come. The picture on most of the channels was clear now, as was the sound.

I got my salisbury steak tv dinner out of the freezer, warmed up the oven, and stuck it in. Twenty minutes later, I took it out to the living room, sat on the couch, and enjoyed.

When I was finished, I picked up the tin tray of my tv dinner, and saw the picture become even clearer. I got some string and dangled it from the ceiling, right in the spot that I was holding it, and laid on the couch. Perfect reception.

Haha. Construction guy thought HE was so smart.

Jenny Lectric scratches where it itches, farts when she sneezes, and majored in showing her boobs to ghosts to make them stay. She half-heartedly attended the University of Nought and Circumstance.